Daddy, you're cheating!

 

I’m on my way home from a lovely day out in Edinburgh with the girls, and I’m sitting alone on the train. The carriage is relatively empty, apart from one Goth guy sitting opposite, wearing a band T-shirt, combats, and listening to his headphones – no doubt some unintelligible screaming sound over the top of thrashing guitars and frantic drums. Little do I know I would soon wish I was listening to some thrash-metal, as the silence is interrupted by the family from hell further down the carriage –

                “Daddy you’re cheating

                “Daddy… Daddy you’re cheating

                “Daddy, stop cheating, Daddy!”

This continues for the next fifteen minutes, during which time I’m not sure whether to start pulling my own hair out, or go and punch the spoilt little brat right in the face. They are playing some sort of card game, and the brat is obviously a sore loser. Even though she’s not much older than nine or ten I can already picture her as one of those university bullies, who armed with only her big mouth and Daddy’s credit card will make fun of poorer students, and go out of her way to cause them as much misery and mayhem as possible. The most frustrating thing is that it is people like her who ultimately end up travelling the world, or interning at top fashion houses and publishers – all at Daddy’s expense. Meanwhile the poorer kids will be lucky to get a reasonably paid office job with no future prospects, and most probably an arsehole of a boss. Life can be a bitch sometimes, but not as much a bitch as this girl on the train.

                “Why Daddy, Whyyyyyyyy?

                “Daddy you cheated!”

Followed by lots of boo-hooing and sobbing. 

                “Daddy why did you cheat? 

                “Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo, Daddy!”

I’m not even sure whether the tears are genuine, but immediately a smile comes over my face, and the word “schadenfreude” springs to mind. It roughly translates as taking pleasure in the misfortune of others, and was one of the buzz-words of Standard Grade English at school. If you dropped it into an essay you were practically guaranteed an A – all the teachers used to love it that much. 

I was certainly taking pleasure in this moment. Did I feel guilty that I was grinning manically at a ten-year-old child crying? – Not one bit. I’m a firm believer in Karma, and no matter how upset this girl is at the moment, it’s barely a fraction of the misery she will cause to others in the future. Not to mention the misery caused to other passengers on this train!

A voice comes over the tannoy to announce the next stop, and the family stand up to leave; the girl still sobbing loudly and screaming at her father because apparently he “cheated.” As the door slides shut behind them the carriage is once again peaceful, with only the faint tinny sound from the heavy metal guy’s earphones. I close my eyes, and in an instant all that rage and stress leaves my body and I can finally relax. The train moves off slowly onwards to its next destination.

New Year diet disasters!

Ok, so I thought I’d start a bit of an experiment. It’s January, and all the girls in the office have made a new year’s resolution to lose weight and are all on some sort of weird and wonderful diet. Meanwhile I’m going to eat healthily most of the time, while still occassionally enjoying the foods I like (for me it’s cheese!) while doing some moderate exercise – and I’m hoping that I’ll achieve more noticeable and long-lasting results than anyone else. The other girls don’t know I’m doing this, so at the moment it’s a closely-guarded secret. I’m hoping to show that these fad diets don’t work in the long term, and while some of the girls are reporting major weight loss in the first few days, as soon as they start eating normally again the pounds will pile back on. So it's  Me vs. the rest of the office.

08:30am

This morning for breakfast I’m having 2 sesame seed crackers with light soft cheese, blueberries and a handful of walnuts – delicious!!

Meanwhile Pauline* who is on the Dukan diet has had an egg white omelette (with no oil, butter, salt or any type of flavour!).  Jess* is having a slimming shake.  Lauren* is doing weight watchers, and eats 2-3 portions of fruit every morning  - Today it’s apple and strawberries – great for vitamins, but she also has a soft spot for cakes and cookies, which will undo any of the benefits gained from her fruit breakfast. Finally there’s Janet,* who is limiting calories to 1200 a day, and as I’m currently writing this she is attempting to measure out exactly thirty grams of cereal. Usually she follows this up with a bottle of energy drink, which yesterday we calculated contains 17 spoonfuls of sugar – eeek!!  (Never mind the calories – what about her teeth???)   Carrie* is out of the office at the moment, but her diets are so outrageous they could have a blog of their own! 

My scrumptious sesame cracker with blueberries

10:30am

As predicted, Lauren has just been round the office handing out cupcakes – chocolate and fudge fondant flavour this time.  The thing is, while I appreciate that she’s went to all that effort (she’s even put chocolate sprinkles on top!)  she brings them in so often that it’s becoming a chore rather than a treat. I used to be quite partial to a cupcake – now the thought of it is starting to turn my stomach.  I’ll have to find a way of discreetly disposing of it, as I don’t want to offend her. I’ve found the best way of disposing of unwanted food is usually your boyfriend/husband/dad , or in fact any sort of man. Usually they’re more than happy to scoff any leftovers. 

Lunchtime,

I’m tucking into a delicious salad made up of whatever bits and bobs were in the fridge, including potatoes mashed with the skins on, drizzled in olive oil instead of butter; a slice of edam cheese, 1 whole beetroot, sliced;  some green salad leaves, a handful of cherry tomatoes,  2 slices of chicken ham, and a dollop of coleslaw. OK, so I know the creamy mayo used in the coleslaw isn’t the most healthy thing in the world, but I’d say I have a pretty balanced meal here, plus it’s colourful, it’s exciting, and it’s delicious!

Meanwhile Jess is tucking into a bowl of 3 scrambled eggs and nothing else, and in the process has stank out the office. Interestingly, she was the only one apart from myself to decline the cupcake earlier.

Chocolate fondant cupcakes with gooey centre - how could anyone resist?

Lauren is having some sort of tomato-pasta dish,  which on top of a chocolate cake isn’t really doing her any favours  with all those carbs.  Incidently, we have just calculated the calorie content of Lauren’s cupcakes using a phone app, and just half a cupcake contains 250 calories – making the whole cake a whopping 500 calories!!  I’m glad I passed – that’s a quarter of my recommended daily intake (one third of poor Janet’s calorie count!!)

 Janet is eating some sort of home-made soup – top marks for that, but then I also noticed loads of crusty white bread smothered in butter.  With the cake and the energy drink I think she’ll be going hungry tonight if she wants to stick to her 1200 calorie limit. Pauline’s delicious Dukan delight entails a tin of salmon, on its own, with no accompaniment whatsoever – yummy ( :s) 


Afternoon

Surprisingly there were no afternoon snacks today - just a few people trying to finish the cupcake from earlier. I’ve still managed to resist the temptation and I’m feeling rather proud of myself – I’m off home to do some exercise now. Please come back soon for some more diet disasters!!

*names have been changed

Ailie Wallace 2013